One thing in common after a divorce is asking the question, “What now?” Finding the answer to that question will depend upon the circumstances of the divorce.
Divorce Scenarios
There are a few scenarios in divorces. Which one is yours will determine what happens afterward.
You Wanted the Divorce
There may be a number of reasons why you wanted the divorce. You have simply fallen out of love with your spouse, the kids are grown and gone, and you see no reason to remain married.
Another reason may be that you caught your spouse cheating, maybe not for the first time. You have had enough, are angry (and perhaps a bit bitter), and it’s time to end the marriage. The divorce may get nasty, even including child custody and division of property. This scenario will involve some healing.
You and Your Spouse Have Mutually Decided to Divorce
You have grown apart, and you both realize it. Perhaps the children are grown and gone, and you both decide that keeping the marriage together for their sake is no longer necessary.
In this situation, you and your ex part ways in a friendly manner, divide up the resources and assets, and both move on with your lives.
You Did Not Want this Divorce
Perhaps your spouse has found someone else; maybe your ex is in a mid-life crisis and has decided to pursue a life as a swinging single, or they simply tell you they are not in love with you anymore. Whatever the scenario, you are pretty devastated.
It will be important to have an experienced attorney who will not let you allow your emotional distress to influence the proceedings or the outcomes.
This scenario will involve healing.
Whichever of these scenarios is your situation, you will now be pressing a reset button on your life. That reset button will be more difficult when healing is involved.
The Healing Process
It is sometimes said that divorce is like a death. In that respect, there is a healing process, one that usually comes in stages. If you are not familiar with these stages, you might want to learn a bit about them, so you know what to expect.
In general, however, you need to give yourself time to grieve over this ending. Most experts will advise two things:
- Give into your feelings and emotions as they well up within you. You may feel sad one day, angry the next, and ready to take on the world the next, only to fall back into sadness again. Allow yourself to feel it all without any judgment.
- Be patient. The old adage of “getting back on the horse” does not apply here. Often, newly divorced people want to get out there and move on quickly. If moving on means beginning to date again, put on the brakes. It’s time for self-care, reflection, and perhaps some self-analysis. If you feel you need some professional help, don’t hesitate.
And remember this: while it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, divorce is more than just an ending. It is also a new beginning with lots of possibilities waiting for you.
Your Post Divorce Life
A big part of who you were was as a part of a couple. So now, you are going to be in the process of discovering who you are as a single, independent person. Here are some important guidelines.
- Interests and Hobbies. What are some long-lost interests you had long ago that have dropped by the wayside over the years? Reconnect with those now. Or, what are things you always wanted to do or try? Go after them now.
- Consider volunteering. Getting outside of oneself and being of service is a truly “feel good” activity. Volunteer to tutor at your child’s school, help out at a food pantry, or work at an animal rescue center on a weekend day.
- Set some goals. These don’t have to be grandiose, but they should not be a part of anyone else’s agenda. Take a course or two that will qualify you for career advancement; begin a fitness routine and get in shape; start that book you always wanted to write; start a small business from home if you are not working. And while you’re at it, create a bucket list of longer-term goals.
- Consider a personal style change. Have some retail therapy for a more up-to-date wardrobe; change your hairstyle; re-decorate.
- Get rid of the old. If you and your ex parted on good terms, you will probably still communicate at times. If not, it’s time to get rid of everything from your past life. If they need to come and retrieve things, have a good friend there while you are somewhere else. Discard physical reminders. Delete them from your social media. And NEVER give in to the temptation to find out what they are up to or doing.
- Build a support system. It’s time to be around people who build you up and lift your spirits. This may be family members, close friends, or new friends you meet along the way. These are people you can trust and call upon if you are feeling low, need someone to babysit, or meet for drinks after work. You might consider joining a support group.
The New Independent and Confident You
You’ll know when you have reached the one who you want to be. You’ll just feel it in your bones. When that time arrives, you may be ready for new experiences.
Plan some new traditions – maybe a solo vacation once a year or a Super Bowl party.
If you want to get back into the world of dating, join an online divorced dating app or two and see who might be looking for someone just like you. Think in terms of casual dating rather than jumping into a serious relationship right away.
Above all, do what makes you feel happy.
You’re Now Thriving
You’re no longer just a survivor of divorce. You’re thriving, and what a great feeling that is.
