One of the strongest desires in each of us isn’t just the longing for love or affection. It’s something more profound than that. It’s a want to be deeply, fully understood. Today’s world is filled with people. We are all ants in a huge anthouse; connecting to someone on a personal level and knowing them from the inside out becomes impossible — or, perhaps, it has always been that way.
However, it can feel devastating when we are misread or misheard and can’t show ourselves fully to others. It’s deeply human. But what if our happiness doesn’t depend on being understood at all? Because there is truth that exists outside of others’ gazes. It’s how we perceive ourselves, our own convictions and values no one else sees.
Today, we’ll explore why our need for understanding runs so deep and how to decentralize others’ vision of us to find a more joyful and authentic one.
Why Do We Seek Understanding?
Our willingness to be understood by others isn’t some internal flaw. It has strong evolutionary roots. We have always been around other people. That was the key to our survival; we were a part of the bigger community, and our ability to keep a safe and secure life depended on how well we were perceived.
The worst punishment for a person in ancient times was isolation or being sent away. While we no longer live in tribes and require close connections with an entire society, our habits are still similar.
Moreover, our childhoods could be contributors. As kids, we hope to be seen and accepted by our parents. Sometimes, if our needs weren’t met, our dreams of acceptance can be higher than those of our peers.
Generally speaking, we want to be understood because it appeals to the idea that we are good and valuable to others. Thinking that no one gets us, we try to learn strategies for adult ADHD, do exposure therapy for our phobia, master breathing and grounding practices because we think that these are the reasons others don’t perceive us the right way. Although it’s always a great idea to invest in one’s growth, this shouldn’t be done to make others comfortable.
Even when we try to be independent, most seek social validation because it’s natural. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It can become problematic if we obsess over being perceived “just the right way.”
Why It’s Okay to Let It Go
One of the quietest but most persistent beliefs we hold is that if someone really took the time, they could fully understand us — our motives, our pain, our inner world. We associate this with love. But this isn’t true.
No one can know the full picture of you; your inner world is so unique that even spending hours talking to you won’t make others appreciate you completely. You are as detailed and mysterious as the entire universe.
We don’t understand everything about the world or how it functions. Why would we expect or want others to see us entirely? Complete understanding is an illusion. Even the two closest people will never achieve a perfect perception of each other.
Let yourself be misunderstood. This gives you the freedom to act and do what matters most to you, without looking over your shoulder and worrying about the judgment from others.
Understand Yourself First
In our search for understanding from others, we forget about the deeper longing — a desire to accept ourselves. Sometimes, it’s even a mirrored gap: we want others to see us because we don’t know our own depths.
Self-exploration is a process that never really ends. You change all the time. Decentralizing what others think about us begins with tapping into and exploring our minds. You can start today by reflecting on why understanding is crucial. It involves pausing to ask hard questions: What am I feeling right now? Why did that conversation upset me? What am I afraid of losing if someone doesn’t understand me?
Journaling is one of the most effective strategies for shifting the focus from others to yourself. It helps you catch the thoughts before they disappear or affect your emotions. It’s a great and safe way to explore yourself. Here are the prompts that can help you understand yourself better:
- What things do I appreciate about others? Do I have them?
- What things in others make me uncomfortable?
- What do I want to be remembered for?
- Have I been doing things that bring me joy recently?
- How can I reconnect with my values?
Mindfulness can likewise help you concentrate on what is happening around you in the moment, not try to guess what others are thinking about you. It can have different forms. Sometimes, it means checking in with yourself during the day or sitting with your emotions and letting them go through you.
Why is mindfulness so vital? Because in our search for validation from others, it serves as a stopping point to ground ourselves in the reality of our bodies and thoughts. We exist regardless of how others view us.
The irony is that the more deeply you understand yourself, the less desperate you become for others to do it for you.
Some Tools to Learn to Let Go
We might still struggle to be understood for many years ahead — this has been ingrained in us for a long time. But these simple instruments can help you remind yourself how much you’ve done already, and that a step back doesn’t mean losing.
Reframing Your Thoughts
When you are in a moment with someone who doesn’t get you, reframing your thinking to stop spiralling can be useful. Catch yourself when the first frustration comes into your mind (“Why can’t they understand me?”) and gently reframe it into something more productive:
“It’s OK if they don’t understand me. What matters is that I do.”
“So what if someone doesn’t understand me? It doesn’t mean I am wrong.”
Set Intentions, not Expectations
When talking to others, what matters is how you express yourself. We cannot predict or affect how others respond to our words or behaviors.
That’s why, as noted in the muscleandfitness blog, before approaching a difficult conversation, remind yourself that you are going there to express yourself, not to be approved of. This can be particularly valuable when you plan to go into a sensitive or emotionally charged topic.
Limit Overexplaining Yourself
We tend to overexplain ourselves when others don’t quite catch our meaning or motivations. Nonetheless, this shift means that we are again seeking external approval instead of realizing that we don’t owe anyone an explanation. If the other person continues questioning us, we can say something like this:
“I’m fine with you not completely understanding this — I just needed to say it.”
Trust Yourself First
Misunderstanding is normal — it’s not personal, and just because someone doesn’t get us the way we’d like them to doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. It’s time to make peace with it. Give yourself this peace and remind yourself that no matter how others see you, you know yourself better than anyone else. And there’s victory in that.
