Are you wondering how to make co-parenting work after divorce?
Divorce is hard enough, but it’s even harder when you have to co-parent with an ex. You’re not only dealing with your own emotions but your children’s too. It can be a logistical and financial challenge, all while you’re emotionally drained.
So what’s the good news?
With the right approach and mindset, you can successfully co-parent with your ex and prioritize your children’s wellbeing.
In this article, we cover:
- Why co-parenting is so challenging (but worth it)
- Communication strategies for divorced parents
- The importance of consistency across households
- Setting healthy boundaries with your ex-spouse
We’ll provide strategies and tips to help make your co-parenting experience smoother for you and your kids.
Why co-parenting is so challenging (but worth it)
Let’s get real for a moment…
Co-parenting with your ex isn’t instinctive for most people. Research shows that approximately 65% of divorced parents encounter challenges in co-parenting. That means if you’re struggling, you are definitely not alone.
But here’s what’s most important:
Nearly 85% of parents understand that it’s crucial to maintain a positive relationship with their ex for their children’s wellbeing. Your willingness to work on co-parenting for the sake of your children is not only admirable but necessary.
In terms of legal support when you’re trying to work out co-parenting and custody arrangements, make sure to consult with an experienced divorce and family law attorney in American Fork who can provide sound legal guidance to help you set the right legal agreements from the start, which means it will be easier down the road.
Put communication first
Ok, so here’s a little co-parenting secret…
The number one mistake co-parents make is poor communication. The lack of a healthy dialog destroys even the best intentions and increases unnecessary conflict and tension for the parents and, more importantly, for the children.
So how do you fix this?
Try these co-parenting communication tips:
- Choose your channels wisely: Texts, emails, or co-parenting apps work best for many divorced parents than phone calls. It creates a record and gives you time to think before responding.
- Keep it business-like: Treat conversations with your ex like business emails or letters. Stick to the facts of the children.
- Set response timeframes: Agree on a reasonable timeframe to respond to messages about the kids, 24 hours works for most people.
- No venting to your ex: Save the emotional dumping for your friends, family, or therapist. Save your spouse. The issues between you two need to be resolved and not transferred onto the kids.
The goal here is not to be best friends, but to have functional communication that is in the best interests of the children.
Create consistent rules across both homes
Try to see things from your child’s perspective…
Imagine living in two completely different universes where the rules, bedtimes, expectations, and consequences were not the same. It would be incredibly confusing.
That’s why consistency between two households is so important. You don’t have to create identical households, but it is crucial to be aligned and have similar boundaries for the children.
Make a list of your top priorities and talk with your ex-spouse to find the common ground where you can agree.
Never use your kids as messengers
Ok, this might surprise you, but…
Using your children to relay messages between parents is one of the quickest ways to damage their emotional health. You are effectively putting them in the middle of your conflicts and making them feel like they have to choose sides.
Talk to your ex-partner directly. If you can’t, then use text, email, or co-parenting apps. Your children should never have to be the messengers of information or schedules, finances, or even arguments.
Respect each other’s parenting time
I can’t stress this one enough…
Your ex’s parenting time with the children is just as sacred as your time with them. Don’t call or text incessantly when the kids are with your ex, unless it’s an emergency. Don’t plan activities, events, or try to interfere with the children during their scheduled parenting time without checking first.
Your children are lucky if they have two parents who are in their life. When you respect each other’s boundaries, you are showing the children that even though the family may look different now, it still matters.
Keep adult problems away from the kids
We need to be real for a moment…
Your divorce might have involved a whole host of negative feelings like hurt, betrayal, and serious disagreements. That’s completely understandable. But your children don’t need to know about those adult problems.
Kids do not need to know about money issues, new partners (at least for the first little while), court battles, or the other parent’s personal issues. When arguments happen – and they will – resolve them away from the children.
Build a parenting plan that works for everyone
Co-parenting is much easier when you have a detailed parenting plan.
Your plan should outline the following agreements in writing, which can be referred to later if disputes arise:
- Custody and visitation schedules
- Decision-making authority (education, medical, religious, etc.)
- Communication methods and frequency
- Conflict resolution steps
Parents who have clear, written agreements have significantly less ambiguity and conflict between them. It also protects everyone involved in the situation. It’s one of the key divorce tips to keep in mind.
Prioritize flexibility when you can
Here’s the thing…
Life happens, schedules change, kids get sick, important events pop up. When your co-parent has a legitimate reason for schedule changes or requests, be flexible. It creates goodwill, and your children see that their parents can work together even when they are no longer together as a couple.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you roll over and let people walk all over you. Your boundaries are important. But you can be flexible on non-essential things to make life easier for everyone.
Take care of your own wellbeing
This may seem counterintuitive, but…
If you’re running on empty, stressed out, emotionally and physically drained, you can’t be the parent that your children need and deserve. Divorce is traumatic, and you need to give yourself the time and space to heal.
Seek therapy, join a support group, spend time with healthy friends, develop new interests and hobbies, get outside, go for a walk, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
When you have your own emotional wellbeing in order, you will have more emotional bandwidth to give to your children. You will be better equipped to manage the stressors of co-parenting without blowing up.
Know when to get professional help
Co-parenting can be challenging, and sometimes you need outside help. There’s no shame in that.
If you find communication with your ex has broken down, conflicts are constant, your children are distressed, or you’re unable to agree on major decisions, consider getting professional help. Therapists, mediators, parenting coordinators, counselors, and divorce coaches are all trained to help divorced parents work together for the benefit of the children.
Making it work for the sake of your kids
It’s a fact:
Divorce and co-parenting are hard. Stats show that nearly 50% of divorced parents report having ongoing conflict with their ex-partner. But, that also means that a significant amount of divorced parents make it work.
Your children didn’t ask for divorce, they just want both their parents to be involved in their lives to the best of their abilities. The more small steps you can take to improve the co-parenting relationship, the more you create a stable, loving environment for your children.
Try one strategy from this list. Make it a habit, then add another to your toolbox. Over time, these small changes add up, and you will have a working co-parenting relationship that is in the best interests of the children.
Don’t get discouraged. Remember, you’re not trying to be best friends with your ex, you’re just trying to work together to raise healthy, happy children. It’s a goal worth working towards.
